The Wilhelmsen Botanical Blog

I have lived with anxiety and stress for most of my life.  It has affected my life and the lives of those around me.  What does it mean to live with the complications that arise because of anxiety?  First and foremost, it means that I take medication every day, once a day.  During my most recent pregnancy, I stopped taking Sertraline about 2 months before I got pregnant and miraculously, I did not need my it throughout the entire pregnancy.  I believe this to be a tender mercy because I am finding out only now that it can cause problems for the baby.   Shortly after I had the baby, my need for medication returned.  This surprised me because I hadn’t been on it for about a year.  Having been on and off my Zoloft/Sertraline for the last 8+ years I can say with confidence that I function better on medication than off.  I have no need to experiment anymore because I have learned, that it simply is not a good idea.

Having anxiety affects me in other ways as well.  For starters, it makes my highs higher and my lows lower.  (I am sure a small amount of depression is to blame for this as well.)  It means that my ability to be spontaneous is nearly non-existent.  If someone calls me out of the blue to watch their kids within the next 24 hours, I panic and my stress level jumps.  The perceived stress of adding more tasks to my day is so overwhelming that I politely decline.  I manage my day to day life by figuring out what things need to be done and how to do them in a way that will create the least amount of stress.  I have learned that I have a great need for downtime and vegging out and that it is important to take time for myself.  It means that if I am feeling over stressed, panicked, anxious, or worried I may say no to an activity no matter how much exciting it may be or how much I personally enjoy that particular activity.  Dealing with stress means that the problems that normally roll off the backs of others, will cause me to worry. My mind becomes fixated on irrational thoughts like, “Will so and so like that gift I made them?  Oh, look at all of these flaws in this; I failed.  Will my hubby get home from work safely (on this sunny, dry day)?  Have I ruined my kids?  My baby isn’t sleeping well, why isn’t he sleeping well?  I am trying to help him sleep well.  “Honey, baby hasn’t slept well, this changes the evening plans so that I can stay home while baby sleeps, will you take the kids to (insert errand or activity here) without me?”   It means I am rarely able to take life at face value.  When I am faced with a problem, rather than take it for what it is, I tend to see all that could go wrong.  It seems that no matter how hard I try to avoid feeling overwhelmed and anxious, some little thing pops into my head and I stress about it.  I know I have control over what things I allow on my “plate”, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t sometimes take on too much.  To have faith in anything much beyond myself is something that I continually struggle with and “looking for the silver lining” or “seeing the world through rose colored glasses” is difficult at best.  I thrive with routine, structure, and as much control as I can have with three little boys who create chaos so perfectly.  😉

When I was younger I felt as if my “world sphere” was perpetually in a state of precarious balance.  I feared that one day it would all come crashing down around me.  To me time was the one thing that seemed to be constant and unchanging.  The indisputable fact is that each day marches on through seconds, minutes, and hours at the same pace day in and day out.  When time would seemingly slip through my fingers and the strict structure I imposed on my own life appeared to be out of grasp, I would become anxious and stressed to the point of frustration and tears.  The realization that, while the pace of time is unchangeable, the circumstances surrounding time don’t always adhere as strictly to the clock as I wanted them to.  The result was that I turned my focus to those things in my “world” that I could control, like working hard to be “A” student in school.  Classes, homework, and all the structures of school helped to satisfy my need for the structure that I didn’t always have in my life at home.  With much effort I have grown past my need to adhere to a strict clock based schedule.  I have learned to embrace the chaos and unpredictability of children, which is a fairly consistent state of things for a mom of three boys.  However, this doesn’t mean that I don’t periodically stress out; the worries that I always have waiting in the wings.  When they do emerge, they often come without warning and it’s not uncommon for them to be about small things that feel beyond my capability.  I often wish I could develop a consistency with my inability to control the way life changes but instead I am learning to deal with the fact that during some situations I will feel a sudden panic and others just a nagging, growing worry.

What does all of this information I have shared mean to you?  I hope it means that, it’s important to you to know I am accepting my anxiety as part of me.  I no longer feel a need to hide it under a bushel, or feel like less of a person because of it, I no longer feel the need to brush it under the table because it is misunderstood. I no longer feel invalidated by those who don’t believe anxiety to be a diagnosable and treatable illness.  What I now know is that I am me, Erin Wilhelmsen, beloved daughter of a loving Heavenly Father.  I vow not to let my anxiety diminish my self-worth anymore and to recognize my value as a loving person who is also worthy of being loved.  I accept it as a part of me now, as well as the fact that it will likely be a part of me long into my future, until the day when I pass on and leave behind this imperfect mortal body.  I hope that by sharing my struggles with you, your burden might be lighter.  I hope to encourage anyone with a mental illness to make a decision, today, right now, that you will no longer let it get you down.  Embrace it as a part of yourself, a part that is neither good nor bad, just simply is.

I just have to say that on this day in 2001 I turned on the t.v. in time to watch the 2nd tower collapse.  I sat frozen in front of the television as I watched that same footage over and over and over.  Every day and year since then I just can’t watch or listen to footage from the day.  It is even hard for me to see pictures of the burning towers.  I have wondered why I have dealt with the event of that day in this way and occasionally wonder if it is disrespectful to not want to see or hear the footage from it.  I have come to believe that it is not disrespectful.  We all grieve, cope, and re-build in our own ways.  I have wondered why did it shake me to the core so much that I have to go into media silence every year on 9/11?  It is because for me that day was a loss of innocence, for me, for our country, for it’s citizens.  Being attacked on American soil is rare and had not happened in decades.  As far as my husband and I can recollect from history and etc.  The most recent prior to that was Pearl Harbor.  When the bad guys come into your “home” as it were and bring forth such destruction and devastation it can take away all sense of security and safety and leave you feeling raw and vulnerable.  Perhaps this is why I avoid the media on 9/11.  I don’t want to be reminded of how raw and vulnerable I felt on that day.  How for several years afterwards I would attend 4th of July, New Year’s Eve, and other big events afraid of another attack.  Perhaps one that would take place on my city and my state.  How when I went to Disneyland a short time later it was eerily quite and empty.  The hours had been changed so that they closed earlier in the evening and how even then at my beloved home of youthfulness and gaiety I wondered if someone would attempt an attack on this place of laughter and magic.  It seemed, in my mind that the most logical place to strike next would be anywhere popular and with a large crowd.  I would to end by saying thank you to everyone who helped to rescue people on 9/11, thank you to the many soldiers who have gone to fight for our freedom.  Thank you to Heavenly Father for protecting this country to the best of your abilities as you promised at the founding of this country.  To everyone else, take some time today to reflect on your lives, are they what you want them to be?  What can you do to achieve your goals and also make this world a little bit better of a place?  Happy Patriot Day everyone.